It’s a planet, not your damn phonebooth

This weeks FFOAD goes out to all you cell phone-abusing cretins that have no sense of self. You useless, simple-minded asshats, the lot of you.

Cell phones were, and are a great idea. Better than the old CB radios, people stranded on a highway can call for help – privately. Need to make contact in an emergency? Cell phones are great. But it’s gone so far beyond that. People have those damn things welded to their fucking heads all the time. (Better still, they get those neat little earpiece/microphone sets that you can’t see for even more fun.) Walking, talking, driving, talking, shopping, talking. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Please.

It’s been proven that people that talk on cell phones – even using “hands free” systems – while driving have worse reaction times than drunk drivers. (Personally I think that’s because drunk drivers are at least trying not to have an accident.) “Phone drivers” are just lost in their own little conversation world, oblivious to the rest of us (and “the rest of us” is a steadily shrinking number right now) that have to avoid these asshats.

What is it with you people anyways? Are you so fucking insecure that you can’t go to a store and make a purchase without a conference call and the use of a camera phone to send pictures of your intended purchase to all your friends for approval? Oh, and to the guy in line at H-E-B that called his wife to ask “Paper or Plastic?” – the Men’s Club called, they want you to turn in your testicles.

Oh, and when you’re talking on your cell phone, why do you people always have to talk THIS FUCKING LOUD? I don’t wanna be part of your damn conversation. I especially don’t like it when someone standing near me asks a question, and I answer it – only to have them smile and point at their phone earpiece. I really want to give those people a black eye to go with their Bluetooth. I mean that.

In truth, I don’t want to be part of or annoyed by your conversation in a store, in a theatre, or in a restaurant. I can’t believe there is a conversation so important that it can’t wait until you are in a secluded spot. Especially you retards that have your spats over the phone. What, you expect me to cheer you on or something? STFU!! I also think that cell phones are a way that people abdicate their requirement for personal responsibility. If there’s a choice to be made, have someone else make it!! That’s right! The movie you wanted isn’t in? Hey no problem! Don’t even try and make a decision, yank out that damn cell phone and call home and ask.

Maybe it’s my age showing. I have no problem getting into my car and being alone with my thoughts and the radio. I don’t need to my phone, to be a stereo. When I want to watch TV I use a – wait for it – TV. I can enjoy sitting in a quiet house reading a book, where the only “soundtrack” is the birds singing and the odd buzz from insects flying close to the screen.

Since this is the season for giving, please give us a break and on this Friday – FOAD.